Monday, October 29, 2007

Revolting "healthy snacks" for Halloween

I've never liked Halloween, America's annual nod to Satanism, but at least I took some cold comfort in the junk food: infant-sized versions of Mars Bars, York Peppermint Patties, Milk Duds, Junior Mints and Raspberry Spree. In the past, if a parent departed from the protocol and tried to drop an apple or an organic cracker into your treat bag, the response was simple: you reported them to the police. Now, the kids of today have nothing to look forward to in terms of Halloween. Health-conscious parents are phasing out the wonderfully slimy and bad-for-you artificial snacks of yesterday and replacing them with sustainable "health food'' options that take all the fun away. Listen to these stomach-churning new Halloween snack options that parents are handing out to unsuspecting corpses, Darth Vaders, Vampires and pint-sized Tila Tequilas:

1. Small lumps of artisanal cheese. In the past, if someone dared to hand you a lump of cheese for Halloween, you would call Child Protective Services and let them handle it. This year, parents are handing out lumps of three-fourth-ounce reduced fat farmhouse cheddar to the little Britney Spearses of the night.
2. Vegan options, organic and gluten free.
3. Organic Fruit Splooshers.
4. Organic Prunes. (Can you imagine someone handing you prunes for Halooween????

5. And, last but not least, Airborne Power Pixies.
Yes, I swear I'm not making this up. Adults are actually handing out little packages of "immune boosting formula'' to kids on this night of fake bloodletting, fang-wearing, cross-dressing and sugar gobbling. Don't get me wrong. I support Slow Food, organic produce and all kinds of low-impact eating options --but Halloween is supposed to be the one night when a kid can rip his fillings out on Juju Bees and eat Abba Zabbas all day long. I say, leave the prunes and Fruit Roll-Ups alone and pass the Sweet Tarts.


Anonymous said...

Ok, I'm going to have to pick at the reference to "Satanism." I'll grant you only that it is grossly distorted by American capitalism and marketing.

It's a pagan tradition from Gaelic culture (called Samhain--at the end of their harvest season), originally. And, it was later merged with a Catholic tradition of All Saints Day around the 9th century.

It's a brief synopsis, but more accurate than Satanism. :)

(BTW, I'm a Mary Jane and Fireball fan favorite new alternative to candy in the Halloween bags is toothbrushes...that's just funny.)

cactuseaters said...

You're absolutely right about the roots of Halloween. I guess I was thinking more about the popular costume choices, the slasher movie tie-ins and all the other detritus that has been lumped on to Halloween in America.

Kara said...

Yes, beware Airborne, kids! Did you know that Echinachea (I have outrageously misspelled that) is actually harmful to people with auto-immune disorders? Yes! It strengthens the immune system, putting the self-destructive forces at work into overdrive. Children with lupus, children with Crohn's Disease, children with rheumatoid arthritis, hear me! Stick to the 3 Musketeers, children! Pawn off your artisinal shiznits onto your most hated siblings!


Thank you, Dan, for this fine commentary.

cactuseaters said...

Kara, I am not surprised by your echinacea smackdown. To be honest, I never liked the stuff myself. Echinacea never makes me feel better after I take it, and the tinctures always taste like watery mud (and I once drank some watery mud in a desert so I'm an authority on this.) To anonymous: i initially read right over your revelation that some people are putting tooth brushes into Halloween candy bags. What a weird thing to do!! Wondering if people will start giving kids dental floss and miniature Sonicare toothbrushes while they're at it.